Custered

Custered by Will Rogers-Ramsay          

It was 141 yrs ago, on June 25 1876, when yet another long haired blonde jackass took a run for the White House, this was Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer who thought it a good idea to kill his way into the Presidency by hoorawing a peaceful (if recalcitrant) encampment of Sioux, Oglala, Cheyenne, Arapahoe and sundry other tribes commonly known as ‘wild’ Indians.

History used to call this the Custer Massacre, altho not so much now the facts are known, altho IF it was a massacre it was a self-inflicted wound. I have no doubt that when Custer saw the mass of the encampment he had a brown trouser moment, but he was willful if nothing else…ummm oh yeah foolish.

So in rode Son of the Morning Star with the late 7th Cavalry in tow, guns a-blazing to some decided opposition, then quickly rode OUT again to the site of his last known residence; Custer Hill, not a gated community but I bet he wished it was!

Too bad he cut off his hair that day, it was a good day to dye.

At that point the native brotherhood ate his lunch then handed him his own ass on a plate along with several hundred other unfortunates, and you could say he got his just desserts-Custered.

So there he lay, the fool on the hill, in an arrow shirt, what an asshole, put THAT on your lunchboxes girls & boys!

The Cauli Dog by Cesar Salado

The Cauli Dog by Cesar Salado                                                              April 12/17

            The other day, in a shopping Centre parking lot, I noticed a man with what appeared to be a small, white, curly haired puppy under his arm and putting it in his car.

            Where we live, there is a preponderance of dogs and usually every second or third vehicle has at least one in it, usually a Lab of some kind, which is where the area got its name; Labner.

            So being fond of dogs, I offered that it seemed a cute, quiet little dog and asked what the breed was, the man responded it was a Collie. Really? It seems a little small for that breed, but he said, no, it had a good head on its shoulders, and wasn’t too expensive. Now confused and a bit disturbed, I moved to his side of the vehicle for a better look and asked if I could pet it. Looking at me rather strangely, he allowed that I could and said when he got it home he’d wash it and cook it for dinner and now, being in a full blown panic, in fear of the dog’s life from this monster, I grabbed it and was shocked that IT WAS COLD! This bastard had killed the puppy! ….and looking down I was face to face with a head of Cauliflower! SO! He was a killer AND a Vegan assassin!

            Regaining my composure, Nice florets I observed. Yes, they’ll steam up nicely, but I have a few more moments if you’d like to scratch it behind the ears?

            Begging off, I casually sauntered away from the scene, under my own steam and stupidity and muttering to myself, which was the only Mutt in that entire scenario.

A Deapth In the Family

Fred (Requiem for an Aquarium) Will Rogers-Ramsay       March 17-17

Today, Fred went ahead.

Something fishy ‘bout old Fred, he was a fish but he was a LUNG-fish, which means he breathed air just like us and didn’t stream oxygen  from the water thru gills like true fish do.

Fred, was a Siamese Fighting Fish, altho there was only one of him, like the cats. Fred was a ‘Beta’ altho being on his own he was the Alpha Beta, yeah.

…and being on his own, he didn’t do much fighting, except for his life when he fell ill and I dutifully nursed him back to health like a good fishy father with a finicky finny kid.

This set me to thinking this morning of all the complete minutes he entertained us over the years we had him…Look! Look! He’s doing his ‘I’m starving’ bit!

Did you feed him today?

Oh.

When we were very small, we were always told, when a family pet came up ‘missing’ that they ‘went to live on a farm’….WHAT farm, WHERE!?

I s’pose I’ll have to tell Willyum, who named him, that Fred went to live at a ‘Fish Farm’, uh huh.

I quietly removed Fred from his 2 gallon Vale (pail?) of Tears and gave him a service (Bye!) in the big porcelain sea, and I know he’s at peace as there was no last minute frenzy when he hit the water…..WHAT?! NO!!!, WAIT you asshole, I was SLEEPING!...just a swirl (and a wave) and he’d gone on ahead to wait with our other babies, including at least a thousand Guppies, the broom closet Newt and Solomon the Stickleback.

I had considered Cremation, but being wet, he was difficult to light.

                                    Rest in Pisces, Fred.

Two Feet of Snow………by Lord Snowdin

Them old boots

Two Feet of Snow………by Lord Snowdin                                          Feb 12/17

Prior to the recent 7 day White-out locally, I found my favorite Snow Boots in the back of a closet, not having had much use for them the past few years, but the soles were coming off, BUT because I just loved them boots, I took them to two Shoe Repair stores locally where the cost to repair came to about $40, which is what they may have cost when I got them originally, but being somewhat  uh….Scottish with a touch of Hebrew (Left leg, knee to ankle) the result of having two Grandfathers, one Scottish, t’ other Jewish, both people known for their ‘thrift’, the Jews with an innate gift for managing wealth and Finance, while the Scots have a consummate ability for 'managing' other peoples sheep….. I instead bought a tube of Shoe Goo and with the aid of a Popsicle stick, applied the gunk, let it set and BAM! I’m a sole Man! Good as new and it only cost me $19!

Monkey Bidness Newscast

Monkey Bidness Newscast                                                                   Nov 25-17

….. in Children’s News, Curious George went rogue today, turning on ‘The Man in the Yellow Hat’ after years of condescension, leaving him with vicious injuries to his eyes, face and throat!

Here’s Willy Nilly on the scene…

Fortunately, a Navy Seal was present with his family and took George out, ape shit and brains all over; he is no longer curious.

George’s replacement ‘Indolent George’ will be introduced to his new audience, quelling fear of any repeated attacks, by being vaccinated against Rabies on camera as well as showing how a cavity search is conducted.

The new George is considered armed (he has two) but not dangerous, and wouldn’t pick up poop to throw it if he was paid too.

                                                                                                Rayzan.

A Day Underwater

A Day Underwater by Mike Nelson                                     Aug 2/16

We recently took a family day trip to the Vancouver Aquarium in Stanley Park, three generations of us.

I once was a regular visitor there but haven’t been for ages, probably since they stopped keeping Killer Whales. You can still see (Plush) Killer whales perform in the Gift Shop where they amaze parents who watch them extract rather large sums of cash from their wallets while at the same time, leaping into their child’s arms!

They are more intensely ‘Conservation’ now than then, it’s a good school of thought thing.

The aquarium has come a long way since I last visited, altho having been to Big Blue in Monterey California, there’s still a ways to go. The displays are very good if a bit heavy on the Jellyfish, no bones about it.

2 PM was the Whale (Be Bop Beluga) and Dolphin show, so we settled down with some food which cost a small lottery win.

The air was rent with a sudden shrieking and GREAT howling!

I thought p’raps a customer had just received their food bill, but no, it was a very small, upset child entertaining us all. I thought, this is nothing, wait til one of those monsters in the pool comes straight out of the water to full height right in front of the child, it’ll shred the sound barrier then!

The crowd for the show was very close, akin to eating on Noah’s Ark…would you like to stand on my shoulders sir?...Or…Oh no! I’m GOOD with sharing my food, and your name is?????

After the day spent underwater without the need to hold our breath, we walked back to the car park, somewhere close to the Northshore mountains, was interesting as I kind of felt I was a welcome addition to the Old Growth forest.

I noticed paths and trails that paralleled the sidewalk and took young
Willyum on them kind of like Radisson, the Canadian version of Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett as you might recall, of Pioneer days of yore. I doubt they would mean much to young Willyum as there’s not likely a Video Game equivalent of them. I do think as rank amateurs tho we, at least me, came across more briars and tree roots, and got my shins Bush whacked or barked (see what I did there?) than Willyum who slipped thru the bushes like a shadow, quite the Coeur de Bois!

In addition to this forest lore Willyum learned another thing too as I told him not to pee into the wind unless someone he don’t like is beside him, then it’s OK.

GOOD Grampa.

The material herein remains the property of Ray Ramsay / ALadinLadner Publishing:The Written Werd and Dirty Book Store is not intended for Publication, Reproduction, or Broadcast without the Authors permission. Yeah.

Why Dylan Did What He Done:

Why Dylan Did What He Done:

(Bob Dylan-Pencil sketch by Ray Ramsay Mid-60’s)

Todays Van Sun reminds us that it was 50 years ago today that Folk/Protest singer Bob Dylan pissed off just about everyone with his ELECTRIC performance at the Newport Folk Fest. Other than being in denial of electricity, they just wanted to sing ‘The answer is blowin’ in the wind’ acoustically, turns out, Bob WAS the wind.

More Carrot cake?

                                                                        Wry Ramsay

The material herein remains the property of Ray Ramsay / ALadinLadner Publishing:The Written Werd and Dirty Book Store is not intended for Publication, Reproduction, or Broadcast without the Authors permission. Yeah.

Tumbleweed Dissection (For Sir Elton)

TumbleWeed Dissection                                                                        6-2/15

by Ray Ramsay       

One of Elton John ( and Lyricist Bernie Taupin ) great LP’s (1970) ‘TumbleWeed Connection’ which, as I understood it, was a throw to the changing Old American West, ‘Ballad of a Well Known Gun’ as an example; a Gunfighter, while referencing automobiles/trucks and industrial equipment/water pumps, countered by ‘horse drawn men’.

One of its, and his best songs (to me at least) is ‘Country Comfort’ which I have listened to since it first came out, but it didn’t dawn on me til about a week ago (what’s that, 45 years?) that there was lyrically something amiss.

There are curious lines like….’soon the pines will be falling everywhere’, problem is unless they’re being cut down, Pines don’t fall anywhere unless they have the damn bad luck to run afoul of a Pine Beetle infestation, they never lose their needles/leaves, so…what was falling?  

Poirot? Read this NEXT line….’the village children fight each other for their share’…of what? Surely not Pine needles! Pine CONES? What would they do with those other than put somebody’s eye out throwing them at each other?

BUT, if you think of ‘spines’ instead of ‘pines’ you might conclude the ‘spines’ to be the pods of the Chestnut tree, which the kinders would fight over as the inner  ChestNUT can be roasted and eaten, and if the Chestnut trees LEAVES are falling, which they are wont to do in the Fall, then it all makes sense; roasted chestnuts, an English tradition Hastings! The little gray cells!

Now. The Hedgehog!

‘The Hedgehog’s done in clay between the bricks’ what does that mean?

This is not a Luau where you bury a pig in the filthy ground and cook the bejesus out of it!

I mean, really, who would eat a goddam HEDGEHOG!?

They’re prickly things if you ask me and if you DID eat one, you could pick your teeth with the spines.

No, people don’t eat Hedgehogs, because Hedgehogs eat things that would make a Billy-goat puke, is why, and Billy-goats ain’t fussy.

Worse, to the American West, Hedgehogs are peculiar to Europe, not North America and ergo, the American West. Why, it’s not even a good name for an Outlaw.

But this, might resolve the dilemma: In England in the 1800’s, they had ceramic (or a type of clay called pygg) Hot Water Bottles called a ‘Stone Pig’ which would be filled with hot or boiling water, then placed within the bed, usually near the foot, under the covers to warm both the bed and the somnolent incumbents tootsies, and I’m thinking this ‘Hedgehog’ is one of these, sans spines, I mean, you wouldn’t want the reclining riser to be unable to walk again, right?

So..’done in clay’/fired, between the bricks/kiln!

Elementary my dear Whatisitnow!

So…(excuse me, where are you going? I’m not finished yet and you’re no better than the rest of us so please take your seat!)..Now where was I? (What? NO! Not another planet!) So now, this leaves us with less a mystery than mixed images, that being..’Across the valley moves a Herdsman with a torch’…(What! No, he’s NOT running away from me, and if you keep interrupting, you’re going to have to leave this story!)  Now, I can’t think why a Herdsman would be out in the American Wild West wilderness after dark, it was dark as he had his ‘torch’ on or alit, but there he was, tramping through boggy fen and grassy swale, IN the freaking dark with God only knows how many herdy things bumping into each other and farting. In England p’raps but doubtful in the American West, I rather suspect that what he was herding was Moths, yes, Moths and they were easily handled as they simply followed the flame! And the reason he was out at night? I suspect it’s because he was embarrassed to be seen in daylight as his charges had likely eaten great holes in his clothes, Yeah!

One can only hope the Shepherd wasn’t herding Hybrid Praying Mantis/Termites as they likely would have said Grace then eaten his house.

What this scene does suggest, that IS West, is the scene from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid where they are being hotly pursued by a professional posse, all holding torches, and appearing to be floating across the evening hills and plains like so much St. Elmo’s Fire; who ARE those guys?!

So, what does all this mean?

To me it means Sir Elton/Bernie had an Englishman’s long arm’s length perspective of the American West, and while being extremely gifted writers-Blue Thumb (and a Musician), they were piss poor Botanists-Green Thumb. But I wouldn’t hold that against them as the imagery is gifted and the song craft excellent, just not necessarily, cowboy.

Now, in closing..(Yay? Who said Yay?!) in my opinion, Elton’s ‘Skyline Pigeon’ (either the B side of Levon, or Benny & the Jets) is one THE most beautiful songs, and one I found buried, quite by accident, in the jukebox at the Fraser Arms Hotel (which is quite in keeping with the Western theme as that bar was like Dodge City on a Saturday night EVERY night of the week!) and Skyline Pigeon certainly holds a candle to ‘Candle in the Wind’ in my outspoken opinion.

Footnotes:

            I did meet Elton John as our Record Company TPC/Quality had the ‘Friends’ soundtrack which he did a lot of the music for and which produced ‘Can I Put You On’ as something of a hit; Elton was signed to MCA/Universal, we just got lucky.

            I didn’t meet Bernie, but I did work one of his LPs that RCA was so excited to have: Hey! YAHOO!! We signed the guy that doesn’t sing or play anything!

            SCORE!!!

                                                                                    *sigh*

            Leave it to the Music Biz to make ‘Weird’ an Olympic event.

The material herein remains the property of Ray Ramsay / ALadinLadner Publishing:The Written Werd and Dirty Book Store is not intended for Publication, Reproduction, or Broadcast without the Authors permission. Yeah.

Johnny Jenkins/Otis Redding: MSMP Addition

Johnny Jenkins /Otis Redding-MSMP Addition~ Ray Ramsay     May 21/15

            I stumbled across him yesterday while checking something on Sam Cooke.

            He was/is a left handed Southern Blues guitarist (Shades of Jimi to come!) but not a singer at that point (and no relation to Harold Jenkins, known better to the world as Conway Twitty) , that pulled up at Stax/Volt studio one day to cut an instrumental side and did it so quickly it left about 40 minutes on the clock so up steps his roadie/vocalist and used the remaining time to start something only a tragedy could stop.

            The vocalist was a young Otis Redding and the song was his self-penned ‘These Arms of Mine’ and the name of the group was Johnny & the Pine-Toppers.

            Johnny obviously got his vocal chops together later as the track ‘Walk on Gilded Splinters’, a Dr John cover, attests to.

            Years later/ago when RCA Canada was on a signing spree in Vancouver and among others, we had Powder Blues (which I brought in) and Uncle Wiggly’s Hot Shoes Blues Band which Leagh (Alden RCA Vancouver Branch Sales Manager)  brought in, and he was a big fan of Jim Byrnes and hearing Jims single ‘Shout Bamalama’ on the radio he beamed that Jim had written that, and I said, nope, he din’ but had to go home and dig out the single and bring it in to show him, the single was by a Southern Soul singer name of Mickey Murray, and 1ce Leagh heard it he declined the fries I offered to go with his Crow. No idea if Leagh wanted to sign Jim away from Polygram who had just signed him, but was an ardent fan.

            The ORIGINAL version written and sung by Otis with Johnny & the Pine-toppers is a rarity and all Mickey Murray did was copy what Otis had done, shhhhhucks.

            I have always loved Otis songs, especially his ballads, actually I thought his biggest hit ‘Dock of the Bay’ was the least of his work, and he had a voice/style like NO other and it’s a considerable compliment to him to hear people like Mick Jagger do Otis on some of those early Stones LPs and Otis version of ‘Try a little tenderness’ (originally by Frank Sinatra) was a tour de force, especially the Live version from ‘Stax/Volt Revue Live in Europe’ it’s both powerful and timeless, as is Otis after that plane crash in Wisconsin, Dec 10 1967, ‘Dock of the Bay’ was released posthumously in January 1969 and was his first and only #1 on the Pop charts;  but not, to us, his fans, we knew.

Pen & ink Charicature by R2, circa 1968

The material herein remains the property of Ray Ramsay / ALadinLadner Publishing:The Written Werd and Dirty Book Store is not intended for Publication, Reproduction, or Broadcast without the Authors permission. Yeah.

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