Ta-Ta to Tut (Tut6)

*Tut the 6th

OK, so…how DID he become dead then???

I mentioned Epilepsy previously, and an expert Medical opinion is that it was his Down fall, or p’raps, fall down. It’s considered he suffered a severe attack, and while throwing himself about, fell and severely injured himself, breaking his leg above the knee which they think infected, and along with an existing foot infection and Necrosis in his compromised hoof made for an unforeseen and swift departure for our Boy King (Last one out’s a rotten leg!) throwing everything and everyone else into total chaos trying to get him ready for his Afterlife as well as a suitable replacement; hmmmm, how ‘bout somebody who’s family isn’t so ‘Hands On’?

 It’s a small wonder there isn’t depicted on a temple wall somewhere a profile picture of Egyptian men lining up before the throne holding numbers.

HeiRayglyphic Footnote:

Here’s the dirt on Cleo!

Cleopatra: ‘Beloved of her Father’ (Not quite Latin but close enough) descended from those roving, rampaging, usurping Political Opportunists, Greek/Macedonians (they weren’t even Egyptian altho the Cleopatra of destiny DID take the time to learn to speak Egyptian, cool /condescending of her) who we might call Helios Angels today, the Ptolemy’s (the ‘P’ is silent as it is in, swimming) that seized Power in Egypt and asserted themselves on the throne. It was almost a Goldilocks thing…ahh THIS throne is more comfy!

Interesting fact: there were SEVEN Cleopatra’s that ruled Egypt, not one, the one of note was ‘Selene’ Cleopatra the 7th, Selene being the Moon Goddess (not the singer, they didn’t know about French Canadians at that point either as there weren’t any). There were Cleopatras 8 & 9 following that, but they were not Queens, matter of opinion I suppose. There were nearly as many Cleopatra’s as there were husbands for her portrayer, Elizabeth Taylor, who depicted her later, and her husband Richard Burton who played Mark Anthony to her Cleo, and later her henpecked hubby in ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’, but the Woolf wasn’t at the door until much later. Yeah

            Since the time of the Pharoahs, Egypt has been under several Theosophical Religious administrations, and it’s pantheon of major and minor deities was unsustainable in their maintenance and observance. However, it is interesting to note we have something similar in Ottawa (Pron: Otto-wah) we call the Senate (Spend-it!) and while we know they’re there, a LOT of them would prefer to be Unobserved…(Cough!)

**Tutankhamun Decoded 9 PM History July 8**

The material herein remains the property of Ray Ramsay / ALadinLadner Publishing:The Written Werd and Dirty Book Store is not intended for Publication, Reproduction, or Broadcast without the Authors permission. Yeah.

Tut5

*Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut (Pant!)

One TV Doc showed his body in a 3D MRI/XRay and a number of things seemed obvious…it appeared he had no Breastbone and Ribs were missing, giving some slight credibility to chariot-cide. A possible explanation might be, when Tuts tomb was discovered and opened by Howard Carter, and the attempt was made to remove the now famous Gold Death Mask, it was SO stuck to the upper body due to the Mummification process resins, they pretty much had to stand on the poor bastards mummy tummy to pry and yard on it, no doubt removing some ribs and Sternum which had been cemented to it.

Carter also had the mummy cut into sections for easier removal from the Sarcophagus, and perhaps the greatest insult, somebody had purloined the Royal Pecker.

Once unwrapped, the body they saw may have been the prototype for King Tutty Fried Chicken as the body was badly burned, as result of the shithouse panic that overtook his sudden demise and entombment. The rushed mummification process leaving the linen wrappings still damp and the enclosure of the body in a hot, near airless tomb caused everything to go FOOM! And the poor guy was done like dinner.

A closer examination of the Death Mask reveals that it was not intended for Tut AT ALL as it’s a mask for a Female, the give-away being the pierced ears that only women did at that time period. To put a further lie to this charade, as flattery would have it, his true visage was hidden from the observers and is the Polar opposite of what the mask and mural depictions displayed.

Thanks to his father, Mr-can’t-keep-his-hands-off-his-sister-aten, he had his father’s affliction of a feminine body type with wide Birthing type hips (or hippos) and even small breasts (Tit for Tut/ cheap date!) and facially he had a determined over-bite having him look more like the Buck-Tooth Killer, Billy (the Kid) Bonny than the serene faced Death Mask; there are pictures of his facial reconstruction on the internet.

Tut4

*Tut to the 4th Power (Small, Mediterranean, at Large)

It is speculated that Tut lived to the ripe old age of 18 (Midlife back then) and he did have a wife, his Sister (well THAT Applenaten didn’t fall far from the tree!) that delivered two moribund babies; I insist its incest AGAIN.

Around this point in time, it was written on temple walls (and tenement halls….thanks you Paul & Artie!)  that Egyptians recognized ALL the peoples of the World (THEIR world anyway) those being themselves, Nubians, Libyans, those Punters to the South and a few more but at this point in time there is NO mention of the Italians (Wops are Tops! must have echoed across the Mediterranean) as they had yet to make their Grand Entrance, Mark Anthony and Julius Caesar of note in Cleopatra’s time: (I came to seize her berry, NOT to praise it! Take THAT Shakespeare). Rome’s streets were full of Italian men bedecked in the customary Toga, soon to evolve into LOUD Mauve shirts open at the chest with enormous collars acting as Windbreaks for the exposed Chia chest hair and a ‘Wife Beater’ undershirt, all too soon to become Egypts Masters…..and their women! If you saw a Borgia Dona and thought you could smell what she was cooking, you’d be wise to have someone else taste it before you tucked in; Bella Dona indeed. The early Borgia orgies had the same passion and enthusiasm that modern Italian soccer matches do today, but I progress…

Also, they knew not of the Scots who are said to have invented Golf (or Gawf!) a game Tut might have excelled at using his ‘handicap’ to his advantage, being able to make a great chip shot with his foot.

However, Egyptians didn’t have a grasp of what ‘Golf’ was  only having met a single Scotsman that was washed up on their shore from a shipwreck, but only stayed long enough to gather a herd of their Sheep and then rode off home on them, effectively fleecing his hosts. Thinking with his fiery red hair and beard and rolling brogue that he just might one of those ‘new’ Gods that were so fashionable at the time, so erring on the side of precaution, they named him   Duf-Fer (Raging Thirst for Barley Juice God).

Egypt had more sand than grass and rather than trying to play an entire game in the Great Sahara Sand Trap they chose to set up a 9 Hole Pitch and Tut at a local oasis, the spring serving as a water hazard and considering the preponderance of Man-Eating Nile Crocodiles, it was all that and a box of cookies! However an oasis being small, the Egyptians learned a lesson in economy from their Celtic encounter, you see, there was only ONE hole, you had to play it NINE times and Green Fees applied.

Tut3

*Tut-Tut-Tut

 That’s some sands of time background, but what of Tut?

I have recently seen some TV Documentaries on Egypt and King Tut specifically (CSI:Cairo?) and their use of modern technology puts everything in a brand new light!

King Tut has been variably depicted as fighting Egypt’s enemies with Bow, Arrow and sword while tooling about in a speeding chariot in some filthy desert Diorama filled with scorpions, poisonous snakes and some pretty nasty people carrying sharp things, and his death has been attributed to being pitched headlong from aforesaid speeding chariot, then being trampled by his own horsepower, or dying of wounds inflicted in close quarter swordplay, and finally being struck about the head and shoulders with a blunt object by some dull person…the truth seems less dramatic.

Tut was born, thanks to the decidedly insidious incestuous relations between his father and his Mother/Aunt (Known only to us today as ‘The Younger Woman’ as no name for her has ever been found to date).which left him with Genetic defects like a spinal curvature, and a Club Foot, meaning, he couldn’t get out of his own way never mind caper about with a sword in battle, performing MMA and close contact Kung Pow, nor cut up in the desert joyriding in a chariot. In his tomb they found many chariots, some gold (these would be the ‘Dress’ chariots) and well over 100 canes or walking sticks; it’s my opinion he never drove nor rode in a chariot by himself but he used every single one of the canes just to be day-to-day mobile.

Additionally, his father’s Boot-Knocking also gifted Tut with Epilepsy which (no pun intended) would lead, literally, to his downfall.

The material herein remains the property of Ray Ramsay / ALadinLadner Publishing:The Written Werd and Dirty Book Store is not intended for Publication, Reproduction, or Broadcast without the Authors permission. Yeah.

Tut2

*Tut-Tut

So now, the Boy King, returned Egypt to its former legions of Gods, Stunt Gods, Stand-Ins and OMG’s, much to the GREAT delight of the Priests and Great Unwashed Publics relief, saying he was one smart Kuki; go with what you know.

To seal the deal, Tut changed his name BACK to Tutankhamun, honoring Don Amun, the Godfather of all things Egyptian, and dropping the ‘Aten’ appellation, the Sun still spitefully stuck around, a point not lost on the Hebrews that did their ‘breakin’ outta Compton’ bit by leaving Egypt en masse to wander aimlessly about the deserts, having no sense of direction as the original GPS, the Christmas Star, was still a ways off. The rumor that the Black Hebrews called themselves ‘HeBros’ remains unfounded, at least until Sammy Davis Jr converted anyway.

Egyptian Art of the Pharaonic times was very one dimensional and people were depicted by what the artist knew to be there but represented it contrarily, which is why the eyes are often depicted as being from the front of the face, but on the side and arms, legs, fingers and toes were all drawn perfectly and in consecutive unison, like a Nancy comic strip; Nancy the Goddess of Perfect Symmetry.

These artists were also a bunch of Pharaonic Phlaterers, depicting them on walls and in various temples performing great deeds of Derring-Do, which in reality, seldom, if ever happened. The God of this art form was called Spin and he’s been around ever since.

Tut

 ‘Tut’-by Hamonrye                                                                              May 13/16

It seems that Egypt has always fascinated me, starting no doubt, with the Saturday Matinee Horror movies where Mummies returned to life in honor of the God Mayhem.

Then when in High School, we studied Ancient Egypt as part of Social Studies and just LOVED it.

Presently, what was taught then has been proven incorrect if not outright wrong due to the advances in technology today, and I find it riveting. Not because I had been there in an earlier life, THAT was the Pharaoh Rameses of the Great Exodus and Birth Control.

*Tut

The most celebrated Egyptian Pharaoh by far, is the ‘Boy King’ Tutankhamun (Toot-awnk-ah-moon: beloved of Amun: Egypt’s main God) who was actually born Tutankhaten (Aw-Ten: beloved of Aten: The Sun God and the ONE God, thanks to his Akhenutbar father) being the son of ‘The Heretic King’ Akhenaten ( Aw-Ken-Nah-Ten) and his father’ s own sister (making him Akenaughty in my book, and her~ his Mother/Aunt) and this incestuous start was the true cause and resolution of a 3,000 year old mystery.

After eons of a panoply of Egyptian Gods of every stripe, from which came employment and POWER for the Priests, Akhenaten (Ken), stripped them, and the entire country of this Pagan Polytheism (awk! Polly wanna theism!), leaving them without Ptah, Nut and Bas (that Bas-tard!) among others to kick around anymore!

This was replaced with what we know as Mono-Theism (Stereo/Quad  Theism being kicked to the curb) which was ONE God, period…starting to sound familiar? This was long ere Christianity became a concept remember, just sayin’ not for Naten.

Well. This pissed EVERYBODY (else) off and caused Akhenaten (Nate) to move the Capital to the middle of a desert (all the while whistling ‘Little Sister’ an early Egyptian song by the God El-Vis, Popular Music being his bailiwick, and would recreate himself 3,000 years later) and had a city built to his One God at a place called Akhetaten (oh boy! His version of AkheManhatten no doubt) and changed it to Amarna (….sigh), because he couldn’t leave things well enough alone, including his sister, Tsk…that wasn’t her name (Tsk) I was saying shame on you! So you’re Jerry Lee Lewis now?

The Priest Class was now re-removed from Power, Theosophicaly and Geographicaly (neither were Gods) making it harder to remain in their elevated positions of Privilege and to keep the common people under control with afterlife afterthoughts of lakes of fire, nasty serpents and being judged without legal representation ( a short, bandy legged Scribe with a forked tongue and a Legal size Papyrus pad) with options of eternal damnation (and no plea bargaining) or loafing about in the Fields of Content, a gated community….still sounding familiar?

So while the Pharaoh was right chuffed about HIS lot in life, the Priesthood not so much; if was either Pheast or Phamine for them.

But, Karma is a bitch, and Akhenaten died and King Tuts daddy became a mummy, much cursed and reviled.