The Fall Guy by RayMan, writing as Legs Akimbo

The Fall Guy by RayMan, writing as Legs Akimbo                            Nov 19/19

The whole scoop in one fall swoop!

Preparing a move is like having a night terror ALL day long and the way our house in Ladner sold left us about 4 weeks to get ready with 17 yrs of baggage.

After D Day we had a further 20 anxiety ridden stress days of furious and intense packing, unpacking, sorting/ moving and re-moving no thanks to the movers who determined we packed ‘wrong’ (their version) as we’d boxed and marked cartons according to what heft we could lift before they repackaged them in HUGE cartons of which we could only guess the contents, including food from the fridge we discovered but couldn’t say if it was old meat or new cheese but it was garbage. This was before a THEY packed our 55” 3D TV, dropped it, broke it, then said it was our fault; we had a difference of opinion and our new TV is here now....Grrrrrr.

A LOT of effort went to trying to fit too much stuff into too little space and there is no shoe horn to help that; seems we moved from the Ponderosa to Little House on the Prairie.

I took the day off on Day 21 by the simple act of falling down the upstairs stairs (thereby defying Gravity) on the night before, as I had just gone up for bed when I realized our new bedside stands have Cell phone charging stations and having left my phone downstairs decided to get it and try this out. I had just gotten down to my bare hooves, which doesn’t give me the traction of socks or mocs, and at the first step, right in front of grandson Willyum, took flight, (Cue ‘Flight of the BumbleBee’ here) my feet going right out from ‘neath me, Yah-Ha-Ha-Hooie! and there I was, Luge Man, carpet-surfing the moguls of the stairs (13 actually, just like a Gallows) on my previously injured back, neck and shoulders! I arrived at the bottom having taken this new Express Lane hitherto unknown to me, I was in shock and stunned ( giving some credibility to some people’s previous assumptions to my character) but being a Man and full of equal parts bravado/bullshit (the snakes, snails and puppy dog tails notwithstanding) I was able to stand erect ( no small feat for a Diabetic!) telling my wife Lynne that I was f-i-n-e fine and that I could walk it off in the morning, right up to trying to take a step when the sudden searing and INTENSE stabbing pain in my lower back made its presence known; my Ides of March moment.

Keep in mind that these upper stairs are carpeted, giving small credence to a ‘soft landing’ whereas the bottom stairs are of a stone like material making them harder than King Tuts nuts, and had I fallen down them, I wouldn’t be writing this, being dead.

So there I was, Macho Man in full mince towards the couch which would be my resting place for some nights to come.

In the morning, I couldn’t walk of course but I could whine like a little bitch, the pain being INTENSE and near paralyzing so now the hospital is a grim reality and with grandson Willyum under our wing, Lynne called 911 and an Ambulance was dispatched, MUCH to Willyums glee as it’s always so much FUN when his Gumpy takes a header, yeah.

There he sat, on watch in GREAT anticipation until the Ambulance arrived and out stepped the ParaMedics, (but there were two of them, not like Siamese Cats or Pears that SOUND like more but aren’t).

Having manoeuvred me down the narrow lower stairs in a Special chair (with tracks like a Tank) which one of them fell over as had I a few times, they’re so strangely measured and built, I mean who builds shit like this anyway!? I’d like to find the architect and ask him if his Dad knows he’s doing this! I’m pretty sure our place is one staircase short of being declared a Lighthouse.

So, surviving that, off we went to Peace Arch Hospital Emergency (*please see my Props to them from my FB pg at the end of the story.*) once ensconced in the Ambulance I realized Willyums excitement...he got to ride IN it WITH me, sigh, there’s NO end to the fun!

Upon arrival we spent the better part of 5 hrs undergoing X-Rays and tests of all kinds to find that, in spite of the intense pain, that nothing was broken altho the Pelvis had taken a beating on each stair I landed on, I was given some Heavy Duty painkillers and a walker to help get my mobility back quicker, it’s not a High Performance Racing model but it’ll do. When the word came down that I was going to live I swear I heard the sound of betting slips being torn up, behind me.

So that’s the main part of my Tour-de-Force Tumble but please carry on reading, this is me making Lemonade.....

A few supplementary notes...On healing...the body is its own taskmaster with its own Rules and Demands, and in a case like this, isn’t shy about reminding you, if you tend to lean to one side or put your spine out of alignment with the stars on an uneven surface for example, or bend awkwardly...HEY! AssHat! You’re doing it WRONG! Usually followed by a sudden Jolt of searing pain (your body’s ‘text’) putting you on the right path again.

The REAL victim here, isn’t me, it’s my long suffering wife Lynne, who has put up with me for the better part of 32 yrs (I’m sure it seems longer to her) under what passes for ‘normal’ circumstances in our life but with this recent wrinkle feels compelled to pick up after me (bending is an issue) as well as picking up the slack

(get BACK here you slacker!) in the presence of the absence of my mobility on top of EVERYTHING else.

I am making headway however, this morning I dropped my Diet Dr Pepper, my favourite drink (along with Tea and Bud-the Beer not the painkiller, altho….), as it slipped from my hand, but not without some effort and only a peripheral pain tasering I got, not as bad as being a confused foreign tourist running into Monty Robinson at YVR, but enough, and I DID retrieve the bottle; if Dr Pepper had alcohol in it, I’d never draw a sober breath!

That’s it from today’s Lemonade Stand, if anyone knows a Publisher looking for a few good books, I wrote them, including my two PromoMonkey Music Memoirs (Promo Monkey: My Life as a BellHop in the Waldorf Hysteria, and Promo Monkey: Monkey See, Monkey Two ) and my semi-autobiographical All Ages, All Seasons Xmas kids story-tinker boy and the BIG ride! Plus about 400 other sundry joints I’m thinking of putting out as ‘Conversations’ but maybe more aptly as ‘Baloney!’, tell’em I got the goods!

I tried BMGs Random House but that was no fucking help in spite of my having worked for BMG, all I got was a ‘well, isn’t that nice!’ And an open door to a stone wall, they’re welcome!

I have been published by former Music Biz veteran and friend, the considerate and compassionate Dave Chesney (CBS) for his ePaper the White Rock Sun www.whiterocksun.com

Well, that’s the whole truth and nothing but the trous, remember, I was flying by the seat of my pants!

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed my suffering, we all suffer for our Art.

Peace Arch Hospital Props!

Peace Arch Hospital Props!

From my FB pg, for those that missed it

Thanks to my stunning fall downstairs for a 5 Point landing in a handy collectible heap at the bottom, I had the pleasure to meet and want to thank and recognize these dedicated, talented and wonderful people at Peace Arch Hospital Emergency during my 5 hr (isn’t he going to leave, ever?) drop in visit this past Saturday...they are..Dr Bunting, Chelsea, and Lisa (who seems to be reading my mail) so if you ‘fall’ into their capable hands, you’re lucky!

If you want to see what the Medical Profession goes thru dealing with me, go to my website www.aladinladner.simplesite.com

And click on ‘The Bad Patient’

I should also like to thank and recognize the Ambulance pick-up crew (who let me play a dead guy on the stretcher for the gawking neighbors then spring to ‘life’ and wave at them, Jesus, I heard one say, nope wrong guy!) the driver Darren and his Co-Pilot whose name I didn’t get, I’m embarrassed to say, but a Real Good guy as were the Home Transfer crew that had to lift me up nearly 20 stairs and celebrated my near 30 lb recent weight loss in the bargain and again in all the excitement being mummy wrapped, trussed and strapped in like a participant in a magic act ....not the saw PLEASE, NOT the SAW!...I missed getting their names as well, but I’m sure after lifting me up all those stairs they have arms like Popeye! Fine people.

Sooooo, high props and Mega thanks from myself, RayMan and Lynne, formerly Ladner’s Electric Couple, now in White Rock Rocking the WRock!

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